Are you raising an unhappy adult?

Dr Shayama Chona
Constant comments of putting down your child are programming unhappiness in his formative development. Your anxious parenting is hypnotizing him to dislike himself

Think of all the people who have problems-who lack confidence, who cannot make a decision, who worry about little details, can’t relax, or can’t make all time for friends or other people. Think of those who are aggressive, putting people down and ignoring the needs of those around them. Add to the above all those waiting for sundown to start drinking or bed time for the tranquilizer. Unhappiness is becoming academic. More and more people are visiting the psychiatrists and divorces are on the rise. You need medication to relax. Are you raising an unhappy adult Are you raising an unhappy adult Are you raising an unhappy adult 

What a life!

It is a problem which no amount of money seems to solve.

On the other hand, we are often puzzled by some people’s constant cheerfulness and optimism. Why is it that, in some individuals, the human spirit blossoms inspite of apparent hardship?

The fact of the matter is that many people have unhappiness programmed into them in their childhood. They have been unwittingly taught to be unhappy and are simply living out of the script. Have you ever felt guilty and responsible for the unhappiness of your children? By accident or ignorance or habit, you are hypnotising your children into disliking themselves and causing them to have a problem which may last a lifetime.

Have you ever said to your growing child

“you are hopeless”

“God, you are a nuisance”

“You will be sorry one day”

“You are as bad as your uncle”

“You are crazy, do you hear, you fool”

This is the programming that many youngsters grow up with. It is passed on unwittingly by overwrought parent and continues as a kind of family curse.

Down the generations; it is called a self- fulfilling prophecy because saying it often comes true. Children, with their brilliant, perceptive, strangely cooperative ways, will usually live up to it.

These are extreme examples, which, one would recognize as destructive. Most negative programming is however much more subtle. Observe children playing or climbing trees. “You will fall! You will slip,” cries the voice of the anxious mother.

What we have discovered is that this kind of comment doesn’t only have the obvious effect of making the child feel bad momentarily.

Putting down also have hypnotic effect and act unconsciously, like seeds in the mind, seeds which will grow and shape the person’s self image, eventually becoming true facts about the child’s personality.

While disciplining less

Identify your child’s true nature

Type 1 Type 2 Type 3 Type 4
The Fun-loving child The sensitive child The determined child The more serious child
Primary connection to the world: social Primary connection to the world: emotional Primary connection to the world: physical Primary connection to the world: intellectual
Primary movement: bouncy and random Primary movement: subtle and thoughtful Primary movement: active and determined Primary movement: straightforward and exact
Primary need: have fun, happy parents Primary need: feelings heard, connected family Primary need: new experiences, with parent’s support Primary need: respect, given and received
Described as: friendly, bright, light hearted Described as: gentle, tender, mindful Described as: busy, persistent, energetic Described as: efficient, analytical, thorough
Judged as: flirty, hyperactive, unreliable Judged as: shy, wimpy, hypersensitive Judged as: pushy, demanding, loud Judged as: critical, know-it-all

Interpret the tantrum

Your child is telling you something, even if they don’t know how to say it
Type 1 Type 2 Type 3 Type 4
Does my child feel overly controlled? Does my child feel unheard or dismissed? Does my child lack enough physical outlets? Does my child need to feel more respectful?
Has my child had too much alone time? Have my child’s plans been ignored? Has my child been told “NO” too often lately? Does my child need some time to reflect and focus?
Is something in my child’s life too serious? Is something in my child’s life too intense? Is something in my child’s life too stifling? Is something in my child’s life embarrassing?

Be intuitive, not reactive

Type 1 Type 2 Type 3 Type 4
Surprise your child. Reassure your child. Encourage your child. Respect their authority.
Facilitate friendship. Give them time to relax. Let them move fast. Support structure.
Have fun with them. Connect with them. Allow adventure. Focus when listening.

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