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Sunday, September 27, 2020
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Quarantine Days: “Eventually, began the series of my irrepressible suicidal thoughts. . .”

Quarantine Days
Sai Sanjana Munaga, 11th Grade, P. Obul Reddy Public School, Hyderabad

Awakening 

Before it begins during quarantine days, an all-pervasive silence is emitted. Thoughts are contained. But then, so slow you do not acknowledge its presence, the thoughts jerk, a slight movement, and then, all together, they take the giant leap and pounce on the unknown entity.

Thereafter, all silence subsides. The mind of the Rebel awakens from within.

These Quarantine days

Within me lives a small pandemonium, these quarantine days. A tiny voice among the others keeps speaking at me, shouting all I fear to say out loud. “When there is no elation, neither shall be your existence.” it says. At first, I told the voice I was contemptuous; there was no need to leave this life. But then it asks me, “Do you fancy living through a series of unwanted and strenuous cycles where all you do is think and work, and nothing beyond? Nothing for yourself?” My answer was a big fat no. I didn’t like how nothing in life was under my control. Is life a mere pledge we unknowingly make?

Eventually, began the series of my irrepressible suicidal thoughts. The very thought frightened me, but I somehow allowed myself to be conversationalist with the inner voice. “Die,” it said, “the Earth gets heavy with people like you.” I didn’t deny it, but could I accept it? Something though kept me from proving the voice veracious.

What tore me the most was the fact that nobody from the external world questioned me, not when I started submerging myself into books on anxiety and depression, nor when my eyes were swollen with tears desperately in the need to relieve my burdening thoughts.

I couldn’t help but wonder, could anyone feel this abandoned?

There were days I tried to pluck out the weeds in my heart, trying to fill up in its place beautiful roses. Trying and trying ever so hard. But alas, the thorns seemed to prickle me as I tried to find my way out. And at that moment I fell in love with sadness, the way people fall for delusive happiness. I knew happiness couldn’t be constant but perhaps sadness could. I accepted it as my faith, that perhaps this was how it was meant to be.

But it didn’t end in that drastic way I thought it would.

I gradually sought time for myself in which I let my thoughts out to the conscious half. I tried to contemplate what made me happy. I reasoned with myself, debated, and finally, I knew. Happiness comes not from materialistic things, not how far you will go to win an argument, nor is it social status. It is the satisfaction of the person you have become, a true individual who knows the right from wrong and will always be proud of his or her decisions. The person who remains unchanged despite the adventitious forces is the true achiever.

This gave me the power and wisdom I had all along but could not access. I learned to accept my partly-unbalanced thoughts. There was one person who could tell me to move forward. That “someone” was me guiding my broken half.

The conscious half and broken half together mended, and made me whole again.

Happiness comes not from materialistic things, not how far you will go to win an argument, nor is it social status. It is the satisfaction of the person you have become, a true individual who knows the right from wrong and will always be proud of his or her decisions.

Metaphorical Revolution

The revolution of today is not the army of soldiers marching to set the nation free from external restraint. This year, 2020, is a revolution of the mind; the inner consciousness and its emboldening voice let on a free rein. It is a revolution for the opening of the hidden and suppressed voice that defines you– the one which is driven by originality and authenticity.

A revolution is a change and that is what has been sparked within me. A new outlook and perspective I shall appreciate in hard times. It is one of these adverse times that has brought out the depths of triumph

Before, back when life consisted of friends, school, and busy schedules, it was quite hard to find our voice without it getting constantly overlapped by extrinsic pressures. There was no way to find our voice and exhibit it fiercely. Feelings had no importance and were often neglected. It was always about exams and grades, but among all that the keyword ‘MYSELF’ was often missing. It would be hard to recall the purpose of life during the pre-quarantine days; it simply was an act of moving with time.

But 2020, changed it all.

I am glad I didn’t abandon the opportunity when it came to me; it illuminated the darkness I had concealed for so long.

 

I, The Rebel

There is nothing to be called concrete and everlasting, not the numbered lives vanishing far from reach, nor the blaring siren of the ambulance piercing one’s heart through multiple times a day. But the idea of oneself will always remain stagnant. I have learned to seek my voice, never conceal the message it has been trying to teach me. To overcome, not hide. I fought for a positive change. I rebelled from within me. I sought to become the person my future self would admire. I became the voice of change.

This was just one of many unexpressed thoughts ranting. Each individual needs to find the reason that propels life onward. Despite the changing conditions, one must never let the definition of oneself change. So together let us learn what life has to offer.

In 2020, I have found a revolution worth fighting for myself.

So can you.

 

 

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